When it comes to your last relationship, no matter how #over #it you are, it’s natural to feel a little *side-eye emoji* if your ex asks to meet up. Like getting a UTI or your gas light coming on, it feels like there’s never a good time for someone you used to date to hit you up. Of course, if you’ve started seeing someone new, an invitation to hang out with your ex can be especially complicated. When you’re living it up with your new flame and your old boo asks to see you, it’s natural to wonder if you need to tell your current boo about it.
According to breakup coach and host of the breakup BOOST podcast Trina Leckie, if you plan on seeing your ex — even at a group outing or casual coffee — it’s important to tell your current partner ASAP. “Keeping secrets like this, even if everything is ‘innocent,’ can breakdown a relationship fast,” Leckie says. Though discussing exes with your current partner may initially feel intimidating, getting on the same page can keep you both feeling supported. “You need to respect the person who is currently in a relationship with you,” Leckie says. “Unless you want to create resentment, foster trust issues, and chip away at your relationship.”
If you and your ex stayed super close after your breakup, Leckie shares that you may need to set some boundaries with them moving forward. “Explain to your ex that you will not be able to stay in contact going forward out of respect for your relationship,” Leckie says. “It’s just not a good idea. Feelings can get hurt. Trust issues can arise.” If you and your ex text every day, they got super close to your family, or you all hang out with the same friend group, Leckie shares the importance of being honest with your current partner. “If you were in constant contact with your ex, even if you are not seeing them in person, you absolutely need to tell [your current partner],” Leckie says. “Always put yourself in the other person’s shoes.”
According to life coach Nina Rubin, if you only went on a couple of dates or you ended things amicably, your new boo may be totally comfortable with you seeing your ex in a friendly way. However, if you and your ex dated for a long time or ended with a gnarly breakup, hanging out may not be the best idea for all those involved. “It depends on the nature of your relationship and your breakup, as well as the nature of your new relationship,” tells Elite Daily. “If your new partner has problems with it, explore their worries and take them into consideration.”
On one hand, If your ex hits you up and you have no idea whether or not you want to see them, Rubin shares some questions you might want to ask yourself. “Is the hangout a one-on-one or a group outing? Do you still have feelings for your ex?” Rubin says. “If the risk of hanging out with the ex could jeopardize your current relationship, is it worth it?” Rubin also suggests thinking about your happiness and comfort in your current relationship. If your new boo treats you with more respect than your ex or you just feel like your current partnership is a healthier match, you may realize you don’t actually want to see your ex again, even in a friendly way. If you’re feeling confused about what to do, Rubin says that being open and transparent with your partner may help you find clarity as well. “Listen to your [current] partner’s concerns,” Rubin says. “After all, you broke up for a reason.”
On the other hand, If your ex hits you up and you don’t respond or you have no interest or intention of seeing them, both experts share that you don’t have to tell your current partner. “If you tell them that you don’t want to hang out with them, I don’t think you need to tell your current partner,” Leckie says. “It’s better to move forward and focus on the present and the future, than in the past.” Of course, if your current partner knows your ex or you’re all in the same friend group, it may be impossible not to tell your current boo that your ex asked to meet up. Additionally, if you and your new boo tell each other everything, you like to laugh about your exes together (me), or you just want to be transparent with them, it’s always OK to let them know that your ex hit you up. Though you may have shut your ex down, you don’t want your current boo feeling like you’re hiding something from them. Keeping everybody on the same page can nip any potential resentment or trust issues from forming.
No matter how long you’ve been seeing your new boo, when an ex slides back into your life, it may be important to talk about it. If you want to meet up with your ex, try to be open and transparent with your current partner. Though you can always hang out with whomever you want to and do whatever feels right for you, it may feel considerate to think about your current partner’s feelings and concerns before seeing an old boo. Though breakups are full of stress and emotions, life after a breakup can be complicated too. Whether you wish your ex would move to Paraguay or you’re actually interested in grabbing a coffee, dealing with an old flame demands explicit communication.
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